12 Steps
by PenCorp
Summary: Iruka has an addiction.  He hates to admit it, but he's got it so hard for the bad boys. KakaIru


_12 Steps_

They had a certain kind of walk, Iruka decided. That swagger, a sort of innate confidence which seemed to ooze from every slouchy step - - and it said to him, 'baby, I've seen it all and you ain't got nothin' new.' Of course, that fact was always the problem. After twelve huge mistakes since his eighteenth birthday, Iruka figured enough was a enough, and so, sucking up the last vestiges of his pride, flipped through the Kohona yellow pages (which were mostly public establishment numbers - any ninja worth his salt went unlisted).

He needed help. He needed help in a big way, because Iruka Umino was addicted to bad boys - -

and it was _ruining _his life.

_Okay, so maybe that was a little melodramatic,_ he mused with a humorless laugh, trying desperately not to stare at every passing Jounin's butt as he sipped from his tea. Junko had agreed to join him for lunch at the small café where she hoped to help him with his little problem, and she was approximately seven minutes and thirty-eight seconds late. Iruka dumped more sugar in his cup, leg bouncing sporadically under the table and after getting distracted by the third Jounin with the tightest vest he'd ever seen, realized he'd almost emptied ten packets. Geh, and he _hated _sweet tea too.

"Iruka! Sorry I'm late, I had to dig around for a shirt and a phone number. You wouldn't believe how much crap I have on my floor."

_Thank you God._

Turning around and offering a wide smile (that he made sure didn't look _too _desperate), Iruka decided Junko was really very pretty - in an athletic sort of way of course, with perhaps a little bit too much bounce, but nevertheless, still very nice. It was a pity he shot kunai for the other team, because he probably would've tapped that ages ago. _Gah! Shutup, isn't that what you're here for in the first place? _The decidedly smarter half of his brain hissed, effectively halting any more of _those _kinds of thoughts.

He really needed help.

Junko slid into the booth across from him, smiling back before grabbing a menu and taking a customary glance of the choices. "Ooh, they got tuna melts. Yum."

Iruka's fingers tightened imperceptibly on his teacup. It was then he remembered why he preferred dicks to chicks.

"Calm down, _buuuddy_, I'm gettin' there. Let me get my lunch on."

He blew at non-existent bangs with a huff, and did that mental countdown bit until he was in a better place. He decided the whole 'breaking the habit' thing was severely overrated, and why God, did that Jounin who just strolled by have to have the sexiest eyes he'd ever seen?

Iruka wanted to wrap his mouth around - -

"Iruka?"

– his teacup.

He glanced uneasily at the women across from him and blushed at her knowing smile and commiserating eyes. Like he needed pity at this point. Frankly, he could use a blunt object to the head. Iruka couldn't believe a studious nin like himself had been brought to his knees by such an affliction - - what was he, ten? Piss poor impulse control was what it was and like any good sufferer he just had to stay strong and not give in to temptation.

Oh god, he silently moaned, did that cute guy with the dimples just wink at him?

"Come on Iruka-kun, why don't you order something to eat?"

Yes, he _was _pitiful, and pitifully he turned his head and nodded at Junko before pointing out what he wanted.

Some time later Junko had spilled her guts to him about her own experiences with addiction (she just couldn't lay off the booze) and they had a fine old time laughing and sharing humiliating stories, and what happened once they'd reached the point of no return.

"Number twelve," Iruka began with a cynical little smile, head in hand while the other stirred idly at his cold tea, "didn't even die like the four previous, not even an ugly breakup like the seven before, before _that_. He just said I'm bored - and at this point I'm so used to these rotten endings I just blink at him and say he left his pants at my place before trotting off. I don't even know which of us was more surprised at my blasé acceptance. God."

He buried his head miserably in both hands.

"This is soooo unhealthy. How can I ever have a normal relationship if I keep going for the ones I know are gonna stomp all over my heart?"

Junko sighed and finished the last bite of her sandwich before digging through her back pocket. She then reached forward and grabbed one of his arms, slapping a card smack dab in the middle of his palm.

"Look baby-doll, you just call that number and ask for Reika and she's gonna give you directions. It's a small group that meets to discuss mutual and not so mutual problems, but all of them, let me assure you, will understand where your coming from. Just be open, okay?"

Iruka looked from the scratchy number to Junko's caring hazel eyes, and nodded gratefully.

"Good. Now, your sharing those double chocolate brownies with me, right?"

When Friday rolled around, Iruka felt like pissing his pants he was so nervous. It was one of those mornings, between classes and mission desk work, he didn't even realize time was flying by so fast and the more he thought about it, the faster it seemed to go. At five p.m on the dot he was standing in front of a nondescript book store on the eastern edges of Kohona, nervously tugging at his hair and shifting his feet.

_Okay,_ he mentally revved himself, its time to show the world and all his ex-boyfriends Umino Iruka was made of stronger stuff.

Pushing open the door, punctuated by a soft tinkle of bells, he shuffled inside.

...o0o...

As often stated, Kakashi was a genius, and as a genius he had his share of little eccentricities. However, just because they were somewhat _eccentric_, didn't mean he wasn't in full control of them. He'd proven time and time again he could withstand the allure of alcohol, (it made him sick more times than not) he wasn't that much of a gambler, and on the occasion he dabbled, it was usually a win.

He didn't have a fucking Sharingan eye for nothing you know.

Then of course, the last and final curse of all nin - - women, and subsequently, sex.

He was a man, he had his needs, but frankly they were taken care of solo with a little orange book in one hand and his - well, you know - in the other. Again, this didn't mean he went without some lovin' every once in a while, men and women alike (Kakashi was all about the equal opportunity when it suited) but he never went overboard.

He wasn't _obsessive_.

It was just a hobby, like Asuma's empty lighter case collection and Anko's many creepy, non-blinking, cold blooded reptiles. She had them stuffed when they died too - so don't even try to convince him he was the freaky one here.

That being said, Kakashi wondered with not a little resentment why _he _was being reported to the Hokage for cited 'mental instabilities?'

"-It's not _me_, Hatake! To put it bluntly, your one of the most stable nin I know of in the Jounin field - followed quite closely by Sarutobi, of course. It's just these god damn ordinance reforms that the council, in all their _infinite _wisdom, decided to put into action. They're cracking down particularly hard on the upper level nin, because you guys are more likely to break or turn rogue. We've had way too much turn over lately and I may be Hokage, but I still have to answer to the governing laws of both Kohona and the extending territories of Fire country." Tsunade blinked and turned bitter eyes on the corner of her desk where her sake would've usually sat. Kakashi couldn't help smirking a little even as he thought over how much this sucked.

_A fucking twelve step program?_ He snorted angrily to himself, already planning how he was hauling his ass out of this one.

However, as if the Hokage could somehow read his mind, she shifted her stare back to him and twitched an eyebrow.

"Don't even think about it. We have ways of watching you, even I don't know of. The consequences are harsh if you decide not to follow through and I'd hate to lose a Jounin of your caliber."

Kakashi felt a similar tick develop above his own eye. "Consequences?"

Rubbing the back of her neck, and looking rather put out, she smirked humorlessly. "You're rank will be suspended until the council convenes to pass judgement. If in that time you still fail to complete your obligations, they will permanently strip you of your headband and you'll be demoted to civilian. You don't even want to know what they could do to me."

He only gaped at the Hokage, not fully comprehending and not even bothering to sensor what he said next. "How - How could they fuckin' do that?!"

Tsunade sunk lower into her chair and glanced despondently at an empty booze bottle in her trash can. She wondered if it still had a drop or two inside. "They said if I don't have a 'buddy' or something to help me through my 'rehabilitation' they'll strip Naruto of _his_ rank. Bloody bastards know right where to hit me - Christ, when did I become so damn see through? Believe me, if they hadn't made threats like that, I'd be laughing on the floor, no doubt ten sheets to the wind..."

They blinked at each other and almost like one the same thought came to both their minds. _Stupid Bureaucrats..._

"Well, the papers in your hand Hatake. I've gotta have this same pity fest at least twenty-two more times today, and Anko's next so you better scram. No doubt she'll be a little feisty."

Kakashi just rolled his eyes. Only Hokage would think a borderline psycho (not that they weren't all more or less crazy, but anyway) a 'little feisty' after going ape shit. So, as he sat outside on the tower veranda, shamelessly eavesdropping on his fellow Jounin, Kakashi figured this was just his punishment for being so damn smart. It was a fact of life that genius was alternately lauded and degraded, because human beings were contrary.

Whether it be in two months or five years, everyone would worship the buds of super awesome brilliance again - - but, as Kakashi giggled madly at the sound of a high pitched scream, he couldn't help wishing it would happen very, very soon.

He wasn't all that good at group sharing.

A/N - oop, I know that really sucked, but I promise the second chapter will definitely be funnier. I couldn't think of anything good, and I know this plot devise has probably been used a million times before, but there's just something innately funny about Iruka being a nympho – primarily attracted to bad ass jounin-ness. I can have my dreams! Don't hate! I sincerely hope those who liked Dead Body will stay with me for this.

Step 1: Iruka admits he has no control over the sex. Ahahah. Review.


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